Douchard Bagge
Douchard Bagge is one of the most obnoxiously wealthy Rogue Traders to ply the space lanes of the galaxy. Among his better traits are his venality and snobbishness, though he is also avaricious as well; his covetousness is one of the few things that can rouse him from his lethargy. Despite his personality, he's resisted all the charms of Chaos because he considers every cultist he has ever seen to be "pants-on-head retarded", and has mistaken a number of attempts as come-ons which offend his homophobia. The Bagge Dynasty made its incalculable fortune wringing out as much from the galaxy as their Warrant of Trade would allow, and then violating it as much as they could get away with. They've secured the existence of primitive xeno races to toil away in perpetual slavery, bombed Imperial settlements to access undiscovered or poorly exploited resources, and much more. As far as Douchard and his fellow Bagge's are concerned, everything in the galaxy either did, does, or will belong to them. Everyone else is considered to either be thieves or holding the Bagge's property in trust. Background The Bagge Dynasty The Bagges are an incredibly powerful consortium, formed when six holders of different Warrants of Trade intermarried, and then made extensive use of nepotism to get their non-Rogue Trader relatives set up with various intra-Imperial trade interests. They were able to operate without notice for sometime, and used their momentum and the snail pace of the Imperium's oversight to get other relatives in positions within the Adeptus Arbites and the navy. This set the stage for their ultimate coup; creating a false identity that has proven to be fool proof and vital to facilitating their crimes: Inquisitor Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder of the Ordo Hereticus. Mord is an actual Inquisitor, but his blood relation to the Bagges has been thoroughly concealed through surgery, falsified records, and other means. Mord has been provided with all the life extension technology the Bagges can get, in order to perpetuate the ruse without having to repeat it. The Bagge Dynasty has developed a presence in every Segmentum and has managed to secure a lot of business from irregular clientele by virtue of their extremely reliable supply lines and relative lack of bureaucracy compared to Imperial agencies such as the Departmento Munitorum. Some of their business practices include extensive, highly distributed warehousing and fleets of ships moving in real space that navigate around warp storms so as to minimize delays. They have other practices that other Rogue Traders are hard-pressed to match, such as their wide network of Xenos partners (including the occasional Kabal of The Skewering Feather war party using the Webway to drop off merchandise during a raid for the Bagge's to pick up.) and their plundered supply of Teleport Homers utilized on their primary routes. They also have a highly motivated work force: meritorious service is well rewarded, failure can lead to being sold to any number of aggressive Xeno species or being used for weapons testing. D. Bagge Douchard was born to Lord Hand and Lady Carta Bagge in their primary palace on the Bagge-homeworld of Barstar. His parent's theory of child-rearing involved giving Douchard everything he wanted other than an actual parent-child relationship, and sending him off to live with tutors for nine-tenths of the year. His handlers were instructed to beat a slave child in Douchard's presence anytime Douchard acted out or misbehaved as a method of discipline. Naturally, this healthy lifestyle led to Douchard being very well adjusted. Douchard learned the noble arts of swordplay, pistol marksmanship, and empathy suppression; along with a battery of disciplines intended to make him the ideal head of the vast Bagge Rogue Trading Dynasty. However, Douchard was one of only many Bagge-children and in order to secure his legacy (his Father's Warrant of Trade) , he was compelled to assassinate or humiliate all his siblings, a feat he accomplished by the age of fifteen. Upon reaching majority and completing his education, he was given a modest fleet (capable of performing Exterminatus in a pinch) and command of a single trade route. Applying advanced Bagge economic theories, Douchard reorganized the trade-route, enslaving every planet along the route and mercilessly plundering them for record profits. During the subsequent Inquisitorial investigation, when Douchard was questioned regarding his actions he said "Nah bro, that's doesn't sound like me." He was able to redirect blame towards the Space Marine Chapter Sons of the Spiritual Liege, who were made to go on a penitent crusade. His next Inquisitorial investigation came after he attempted to sell the Dark Angels on a new gland that would "Totally fix that gay gene problem." Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder was dispatched to determine if Bagge did indeed have some manner of new Astartes-compatible glands and if so, find out where they came from. Douchard discovered the investigation and to their mutual surprise, successfully bought the Inquisitor who later reported that everything was just a big misunderstanding. Companies *Bagge Arms Inc. **Bagge Annihilation Solutions (A wholly owned subsidiary of Bagge Arms Inc.) ***''I Can't Believe It's Not Exterminatus!'' *Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support **Bagge Comitatus (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!) **Bagge Fortress Supply Unlimited (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!) ***Bagge Aufwendige Todesfalle und Folter Ausrüstung GhmB *Bagge Publishing (Latest Publication: Commissar Ripper's Epsilon Platoon, Vol. DCCCXC: Escape From The Blood Ocean And The Sharknado Apocalypse) *Bagge Agritech **Monolith Burger Personality & Motivations Douchard is immodest, entitled, and generally contemptuous of everything. The only true value he places on his station and immense wealth is its ability to protect him from the innumerable hazards of the universe, and to allow him to do whatever he pleases. His raison d'être is to enjoy himself forever, and he finds causing anger and jealousy in other people to be hilarious. He is generally dismissive of the Imperial Cult and the human race's supposed manifest destiny. He is aware that there are many races that predate humanity and some that are in their infancy relative to humanity, and surely they all have their own idealized, self-image, prophecies, and so on; so Douchard assumes that the universe doesn't play favorites and it doesn't do any good to assume that any species' particular line of bullshit is correct. He reserves a special level of antipathy for the Ruinous Powers however, as he doesn't understand the appeal of being a sore covered, axe-murdering, pawn who can't enjoy any of life's simple pleasures. Even though he is by most definitions a traitor and a heretic, he is loyal to the Imperium in his own way. While he routinely victimizes his fellow humans; in areas under the nominal control of the Bagge dynasty, he greatly invests in security and infrastructure and his connections with various Xeno species (especially the Dark Eldar and Blood Axe Orks) tends to keep their mainstream elements from raiding his territory. Furthermore, he fulfills the duties outlined in his warrant and pays his tithes quite reliably, it's only anything outside his contract that he weasels his way out of. Equipment Douchard is a capable warrior, though this is mostly due to his top-of-the line equipment (including purloined relics and outright xenotechnology), cybernetics, and combat drugs. He has hired out some of the best instructors available so he does actually know how to use every weapon in his arsenal. Because he is so fabulously wealthy, Douchard has truly staggering military might at his disposal: fleets of ships, armored companies, well equipped troops, the works. He's not above employing xenos who are willing to barter their services, either. Douchard is an avid collector of many things. His usual criteria for adding something to his collection is that it would either make people jealous, or get him in trouble with the authorities: Xeno antiquities, Chaos artifacts, Ecclesiastical relics, and live specimens of all sorts can be found in his secret galleries. One of his favorite objet d'art is ancient chalice of gold covered in diamonds said to have belonged to one "Small Johnathan," a deaf song-priest of a Pre-Slaanesh god of pleasure and wealth known as Krunk, carbon dating places it as being from hoary days before even the Dark Age of Technology. His most prized possession is a space hulk which required countless thousands of lives to clear and secure. It has been renovated and outfitted to serve as the Bagge Dynasty's flagship. Though it was once known in obscure Imperial records as the Purgation of Innocence it was given the concise and tasteful appellation of Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever by Douchard. Douchard has a number of fanatically loyal body doubles, though rather than using them as decoys for assassins, he uses them to maintain the illusion of his being all throughout the shipping lanes and his "empire," at once. Placed throughout his fleet, his vassal captains can never be entirely certain if they're dealing with the genuine article. Notable Employees *Horatio Innuendo: A former captain with the Imperial Navy, Horatio's grasp of three dimensional combat is profound and his tactics are innovative, which made him one of the most despised officers in the entire navy. When he was decommissioned, he was pursued by both Inquisitor Corinth Cordoba and Douchard, but the Rogue Trader proved victorious and made Horatio the XO of his flagship, Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever. *Leominster Ripburger: A bureaucrat who affected his own erasure from the ranks of the Adeptus Administratum and defected into the service of Douchard. He uses his intimate expertise with the Imperium's system of tithes to his employer's (and his own) ultimate benefit. *Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder Quotes By About "I find this man amusing, which is lucky for him, otherwise he would already be dead" -Kyros Valcoran, Headhunter of the Star Reapers Trivia *This Party Took a Turn for the Douche is D. Bagge's theme song. Deal with it. Category:OvaltinePatrol Category:Characters Category:Rogue Traders